Why Sex is Not Allowed: An Essay

Mr. Weezer

Mr. Weezer's Chart Examination

February 24, 2019       





        Hello, welcome to the Mr. Weezer blog. Today I am going to talk about how sex is prohibited 

by the government and why it is that way. I feel like this is very important information. Especially 

considering the fact that PornHub, the largest source of pornography online has now reached an 

Alexa rating of 27. (For those who don't know, the Alexa rating is an index hosted by Amazon 

that determines how many visitors websites have yearly.) Additionally, music has become 

increasingly sexualized in recent years to great commercial success (look at the lyrics to any Nicki 

Minaj song for proof). 

         What's the problem with the normalization of sex? Well, sex is the manifestation of everything 

wrong with humanity. To begin, sex brings diseases such as HIV or chlamydia (which can chop that 

skin flute right off, explaining why Brendon Urine lacks a penis.) As well, these sexually transmitted 

diseases could potentially result in death. Notable famous people who have these sexually transmitted

diseases include Usher, Brendon Urie (previously stated to be evident by the lack of a penis), and 

Magic Johnson. These diseases could also result in genitalia being distorted whether or not it is the

penis looking like that of a horse (which is not as fun as it sounds) or the vagina being a swollen red

instead of the usual pastel pink hue. In fact, these diseases have become so widespread that it is to the

point that more than half of the world has at least one (with the most common being herpes). The 

reason sex is banned is that way these diseases could be eradicated over time, providing a purer 

humanity.

         As well, sex has brought nothing to humanity except for pain and suffering. Case in point is 

Weezer's album "Pinkerton" which is a perfect insight into the life of God himself (Rivers Cuomo) 

and his struggle with sex. Throughout the album, he makes an point for why he has banned sex and 

each track provides more and more emotion to it than the last. By the end, I was completely 

convinced on why sex is banned. Rivers' pain is evident throughout the whole album. He is truly

presenting his heart and soul to the whole world and to prevent his pain and suffering, sex is banned.

For instance, some examples where is pain is evident is on "Tired Of Sex" where he complains about 

his struggle to find and attract a sexual partner so he can have sex. Something emphasized by his 

screams for help in the post-chorus. Or the fiery "El Scorcho" where Cuomo hisses out against those 

"half japanese girls" for denying him of a relationship which is prevalent in his actions in the song

such as looking through the girl's diary after saying that she's never heard of "Green Day" (a popular 

rock band at the time of the song's release). Finally, on "Pink Triangle" Cuomo details a story of 

where the person he liked was actually a lesbian and how he felt. He expresses his pain and to 

prevent this pain in the future, Cuomo banned sex himself. However, Cuomo not only did this for his

own personal benefit. He also wanted to help people live purer lives and lift a burden off of other

people who were sexually frustrated.

            The final reason for why Rivers Cuomo banned sex is because of massacres that occurred

because of peoples' sexual frustrations. Throughout history, sex has only brought frustration and 

anger to this world to the point where people would kill each other to get closer to having sex.

This is because sex is a human instinct and our goal on this planet is to reproduce. People would

do anything to fulfill this need, as this is what they were designed for including the killing of other

people. Since sex is able to kill people, it can be concluded that Cuomo's ban on sex is live-saving.

         Therefore, as a conclusion, sex is a burden on society and by removing it, Rivers Cuomo (aka 

God) was able to save this world from disease, pain, anger, and death. Cuomo's ban on sex 

singlehandedly will eradicate sexually transmitted diseases such as Herpes and HIV in the future, has 

stopped the pain and anger sexually frustrated people faced, and has saved lives because of this anger.